Breaking the Silence: Addressing Elderly Parents’ Loneliness Together
Life is slowly returning to normal (what is normal!?) , so I wanted to go back to a caregiving-related topic that I know I underestimated and you might too: loneliness.
It wasn’t until my mother’s recent stay at a skilled care rehab facility that I really understood what human interaction can do for an elderly person. Prior to her fall, mom rarely left home and would decline any invitation to go out. Understandably, when your eye sight and balance are waning, the last thing you want to do is navigate any bustling environment. Charleston has changed so much over the years that every outing into downtown, where she grew up, ended in frustration. There are fewer and fewer of the familiar landmarks to orient her. And, because we do not live “in town,” she rarely receives visitors other than my cousin who faithfully brings lunch to “his favorite aunts” every Friday.
Hospitalization and rehab changed that. Even though she was really displeased with being in rehab, she thrived. She shared a room with another woman about the same age, and the care team was with her throughout the day: meals, physical therapy, community activities. One day, someone put a pair of pearl earrings in her ears and she was delighted. To this day she asks me if we remembered to bring them home. The facility was also more centrally located, so several family members stopped by to visit on the weekends. That month of interaction strengthened her physically and emotionally.
Since we’ve been home, we’ve settled into a different routine. We now have a professional caregiver coming in half-day, and it’s like mom has a new girlfriend. They play dress up, get their nails done, play games - it’s really cute and she has maintained that vibrancy that returned in rehab. On the weekends, I have tried to find less stressful day trips - out to one of the farm stands, or to get ice cream. She’s excited to go out. When my sister flew in a few weeks ago, mom wanted to dress up for the trip to the airport so, although I was in yoga pants and t-shirt, we got her in dolled up, combed her hair, put on some bright jewelry, a nice sun hat and her “South of France” sunshades, and headed out the door.
Suggestions for managing loneliness in our parents
Loneliness in our elderly loved ones is a serious concern that affects both their mental and physical well-being. I want to share what I have found works, as well as some other strategies I’ve learned from others, to help your elderly parent cope with loneliness.
1. Prioritize Active Listening:
Take the time to truly hear your parent. Sometimes, the simple act of listening can make a world of difference. Engage them in meaningful conversations, ask questions about their experiences, and show genuine interest in their thoughts and feelings. I’ve learned to hear the cues and mom has some great stories about folks she grew up with and experiences she had that she’s never shared before.
2. Encourage Social Connections:
Help your parent stay connected with friends and family. If they're comfortable with technology, teach them how to use video chat services like Skype or FaceTime. These tools can be especially valuable for maintaining relationships with grandchildren or distant relatives. If that is not possible, keep it low tech and make a daily or weekly call list. We started this during the time immediately after my brother’s passing to help Mom keep up with who she had spoken with, and we’ve maintained it to make sure she’s checking in with family members near and far more regularly.
3. Explore Hobbies - New and Old:
Learning something new can keep the mind active and provide a sense of purpose. Encourage your parent to take up a new hobby or revisit old interests. This could be joining a book club, a knitting circle, or participating in activities at the local community center or adult day care. It can also be as simple as playing UNO or another low stress card game to stimulate their mental activity in a fun way.
4. Consider Pet Companionship:
If your parent is able to care for a pet, consider adopting one. Studies show that caring for an animal can provide both physical and mental benefits, reducing stress and increasing feelings of companionship. Mom tells everyone that we “share” the dogs and, even though she is not able to care for them without supervision, having them around is an instant mood booster for her.
5. Establish a Routine:
Work with your parent to create a weekly schedule that includes social activities and outings. Having events to look forward to can significantly improve their mood and reduce feelings of isolation.
6. Consider Professional Companionship:
If you're unable to visit as often as you'd like, consider hiring a professional caregiver for companionship. Ms. Joi has been a godsend and has allowed me to return to work more consistently. Professional caregivers can provide social interaction, assist with daily tasks, and even accompany your parent on outings. If you’re concerned about being able to afford those services get in touch with your local Agency on Aging to see if they can provide resources as well as grants to offset the costs.
Remember, combating loneliness is an ongoing process and you’ll have to adapt as your parent’s needs change. If you're feeling overwhelmed or need additional guidance, there are resources available, such as local senior centers, Alzheimer's associations, or geriatric care managers who can provide specialized support and advice.
Right now, mom is on the phone with one of my cousins, a long distance truck driver. They’ve been on for an hour! After everything we’ve been through, it’s good to hear her laugh and joke with him, even if she’s going to ask him where he is for the 8th time. This is such a difference from a year ago and I’m grateful.
Hey everyone, my friend, Dianne Woodford, has written a book about her caregiver journey, the harrowing story of when her husband, Charles, was admitted to the hospital and given a terminal diagnosis. With love and zeal, she navigates the healthcare system during the pandemic to find answers and fight for her husband’s life. Dianne and Charles are an inspiration and their story will touch many of us who are on this path together. Click the image to learn more.
