Helping a Loved One Deal With Loss
If, when, and how to share bad news with your elderly parent.
Photo by Nappy on Unsplash
One of the trickiest topics I’ve had to deal with to date is when, and if, to tell my mother when someone she knows has died. We’ve had three instances in the past six months and I would be lying if I said I had this figured out.
At the height of Mom’s downward dementia spiral last year, a cousin, my mom’s niece, died after a long bout with cancer.
In general during that time, it was nearly impossible to talk to Mom about anything. The last time she talked with my cousin’s sister in the Spring, she didn’t know (or remember) that her niece was going into hospice, so her dementia caused her to think that they didn’t want to talk to her. Whenever I asked if she’d checked on them, the response was surly. When my cousin died in August, it was also when the medication ran out, and mom was ultra-combative, so my other cousins and I decided we would wait to tell her.
I don’t know when it will be the right time. I’m still conflicted about disturbing our relative peace.
Then one of the neighbors died in December. His grandson came over to tell her, but she didn’t understand so she asked me to talk to him. When I repeated the news to her and showed her the obituary, she was despondent for a week, but couldn’t articulate why. I was surprised by the reaction as she hadn’t seen this neighbor in several years.
Last week, another family member, the wife of a half-brother whom we didn’t spend much time with, died. Again, my cousins and I convened to decide whether we were going to tell her. We decided not to.
I still haven’t told her about her niece, which pains me mostly because my cousin’s sister hasn’t spoken to Mom since last spring and she’s waiting for the all-clear. I don’t know when it will be the right time. I’m still conflicted about disturbing our relative peace, especially considering the reaction to the neighbor, but I don’t want to hold my cousin from talking with her when she has so few aunts still alive.
So here’s a few thoughts on how to approach this if you are grappling with this issue. First and foremost, it's important to recognize that there's no one-size-fits-all approach. Your parent's level of cognitive function and emotional state will play a significant role in how you communicate this information.
Here are some strategies to consider:
1. Choose the right time and place:
Select a quiet, familiar environment where your parent feels comfortable. Choose a time when they are typically most alert and receptive to information. My mother is better first thing in the morning but tends to be sadder and feels lonelier in the evenings.
2. Keep it simple and clear:
Use straightforward language and avoid complex explanations. You might need to repeat the information several times due to memory issues.
3. Be prepared for various reactions:
Your parent may not fully understand or may forget the information shortly after being told. They might also have an unexpected emotional response or no visible reaction at all. Be patient and prepared to offer comfort as needed.
4. Use visual aids:
If appropriate, consider using photographs or mementos to help your parent understand and process the information.
5. Involve other family members:
Having other familiar faces present can provide additional support for both you and your parent.
Lastly, be kind to yourself. You're doing your best in a difficult situation, and your efforts to support your parent are invaluable. I’d love to hear of you have deal with this issue and if you have any advice to share. I’m sure this isn’t easy for any of us.